Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
