guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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