broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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