Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
