id be glad to
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
