i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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