So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
