this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
