I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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