I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
