Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize