just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
