She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
