just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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