You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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