i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
