I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
