Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.