oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
