last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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