someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
