I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i think i just lost a toe
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
