My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
