A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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