Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
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Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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