The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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