I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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