he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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