she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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