I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
