I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
