I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
