No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
