she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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