sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
