she woke up with a sticky ear
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
