I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
