We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
