what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
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I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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