how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
