ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
