Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
