at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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