Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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