when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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