there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he quoted the bible to break up with me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
