Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
