oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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