A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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