ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
