your parents love me but you hate me
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
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So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
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got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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