you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
