just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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