idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
