I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
