Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
