My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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