Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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