im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
